Sunday, March 6, 2016

Burned Out

I am getting really tired of going to school. Not to say that I don't value my education but I am starting to just not care about it anymore. I am sick of spending my weekends broke and studying. I am tired of taking tests, applying for scholarships and the like. The worst part is after this semester I am about 2 classes away from getting an associates of arts. And what exactly does that mean? Absolutely nothing. I spent 2 years and one summer of school for a form of higher education that basically will not count for anything according to most people. I get tired of hearing "What are you going to do with that anyways?". Because I just really don't know what I am going to after college. I am really just trying to get through the whole school part in the first place. Which in itself is stressful and anxiety triggering.

 I was planning on getting my bachelors, and then maybe a masters but I just cannot seem to stomach school anymore. Tomorrow, I will be withdrawing from a class to see if that helps me refocus on just the three for better grades but the truth is I just don't care anymore. Last semester I was a stressed out mess with a face full of acne. This year, I just feel so eh about it all. I really just need a C in the class to pass. I am not trying to really strive for anything higher than that unfortunate. Just as long as I don't fail.
I am thinking this has mostly to do with I am taking some classes I just straight up don't care about. I am not really science or a math person. Sure, those classes can be interesting and I really do not mind learning new things but I would be much happier taking a photo class and a bunch of language classes.
I am also a little worried about withdrawing from my math class as well. It's not really a math class though it is actually a "logic" math class where they teach you the theories of math and some strange ways to do basic algebra. I am really not understanding any of the material. On the first day of that class I immediately regretted my decision on taking the class and wished I was back in regular algebra. Hopefully, I will not have to pay the class back this time for withdrawing it after census date.
The last time I dropped a class, it was due to my lack of confidence in my writing skills for creative writing. That basically shot any chance of me becoming a writer or english major because it  made me lack the confidence I needed to write. Just thinking about reading my own writing to the class still haunts me to this day. I honestly have nightmares about it. That's more than likely why I have been having insufferable writing blocks and awkwardly structured  blog posts. The stress and anxiety from that class just murdered all the confidence I had in myself for doing that. I think trying to write "honestly" was the thing that killed me the most.  I feel like I can never connect with my audience again or even make something sound just a little bit relatable. I just started journaling again and trying to write to myself everyday. I think it will help out in the long run.
Until then, I hope I can get some inspiration back to focus on school again and some kind of motivation. This week will be a new one, and hopefully much better than the last couple.
Hope everyone has a good week!